The final countdown

Its been 3 months since i last updated? LOL, its been a while to be honest. A lot of thing had happened? Nah, nothing much. Just im failing my ass now. All this shit must happen in my finals doesnt it? What the fuck la...i got to do well for my finals...for me to grad...tolong la...tak mau extend ar...hahaha

Well, what have i been up to for the past 3 months? Nothing much except studies and stuff. Studies not so much..lol...somehow i didnt do as well as i hope compare to my last semester...i guess its because its ur lsat semester and stuff i think...aihz, no worries abt chick though...no problems no nothing :D but i have to say, im so sorry for this break guys...ill be bringing home one friend of mine and i will try my best to make it as though she isnt there...haha..kesian la, shashi and aaron coming back just to see us...but then again, she going is kind of one in a lifetime kind of thing...kinda lucky that the girl i had feelings for before this didnt go to this trip as well..

back to that story, yeah i moved on. But i dont think i have move on 100% yet, dont know why. I just cant bear myself watching them together. Ill jsut walk away or do something else. Is that normal? I never know cuz i never be this close to someone who i got rejected. I still say thes ame thing before this. Liking someone will always affect the relationship between two friends. Jason told me to walk away ages ago to save some pride. I did that, but she was very hesistant and one day i just crumble down upon request. Then all the same shit happens agian. Taking me for granted etc. Ive decided this final time. Im starting new one without her painting the picture this time. My new life will start in exactly one month from now provide ill grad *cross fingers*

i realise soemthing before this i feel like writting a lot but now too lazy.LOL...anywya tata got to study.cheers.

good morning sydneysiders

Good morning readers =) ceh, as though my blog will be read by people :P

its been a while since I updated my blog properly. I realised one thing. Most of the time, my blog is a little bit depressed. LOL. Maybe its just a place for me to rant my thoughts sometimes I guess.

Anyhow, where should I update first. Hmmm, studies? This sem would be a bitch i swear. Audit, Accounting theory, Mergers and acquisitions,trade and dealings...ALL IS READING. FUCK. How to survive la...somemore sure bosan...zzzz...aiya...btw, sent an application towards PWC for taxation department...all hopefully goes well. Cross fingers. Its been weird while applying for jobs that ill know ill stuck the rest of my life with. I cant never see me as a working person. Never think that im mature enough i guess. How could you ever picture yourself working as an adult? I remember the days when there is care-free lifestyle that I always had. When I was 3, went up to Genting and got car sick. Vommited at my ownself and for the rest of the journey, I was topless. Who would ever think that this kid, this specifically kid would had an amazing journey in his life.

I learn a lot my time here in Sydney. Ive grown up, matured, and see things in a lot of perspective. All this is done outside academic learning. All i can say is i became more experienced. I learn how to survive on my own during first year. Learn that im not ready for a serious relationship yet as I cant bear the consequences of getting hurt badly during my second year. Third year? Learn that I could do well in Uni after all. Haha. Most importantly I learn the ability of surviving. First year wasnt as easy going as i thought it was. I sunk instead of swimming. I went to a place where I dont know anyone and opt for a uni where i had my sister to be with me. Going to uni, oh how much i hated it. Eating all alone, going to classes all alone, had no friends. Tried to make friends and I did, but wasnt true friends where they could help you out. Uni was over-rated. Wasnt as much fun as i did have during my foundation days. Maybe i expected more but i should know better. Friends that i have during foundation was once in a lifetime kind of friends. I hated uni a lot. But how things change. I learn how to adapt, make friends and learn that how someone could back stab you. Not everyone is nice =) I learn as well that how someone could really take your heart out , rip it hard, crushed it right in front of you. I lost my soul for once. I didnt see things clearly. I lost the will of living. Lets not go there shall we =)

In essence, i learn a lot while im here. And its going to be sad that im leaving. But knowing that i would be in the arms of my family again, seeing their faces its just too damn good to resist. Now, all what is left is for me to do well, and hopefully, Ill get what i deserved and hoping for a job interview and ome back msia working pwc is like a dream come true.LOL

Its been the best holidays ever,.....

First of all, after reading previous post, wow, im sure kau kau down...haha...all is good =) I moved on properly during the winter break...gosh, spending time with my best friends and playing soccer and futsal is the best....sad a bit la, got third and semi's...semi's for futsal got injured so kena sit out...i langgar my shoulder to the post during the big field, then during futsal, kena slide by this melbourne guy...then cant play di...oh well

regarding the last post, i did shoot in the last few seconds and the basket entered :D
my result for last sem was good...thank god, work hard pays off....but regret that im only scoring in my final year..haha...oh well... just feel like a qucik update...got to go class...tata

I guess its really over.

I should be studying right now but i cant really be bothered to. Last paper, last paper dammit. My future lies here, right now, will all the hopes and dreams. Its like with o.5 seconds left, 2 points down, i make a 3 pointer right at the buzzer. Its every moment dream moment. Here, with 0.5 when i made a 3 pointer shoot, would it enter? Will all the dreams that lies right in front of be would be realised? Or miss and all hopes are dashed as everything else since right beginning of my life. I could have practiced more making 3 pointer thus its essential. Here i am, cant be bothered just because of some stupid things. Its keep my mind of things. I realised this occur during the mid semester of this subject and now the final i cant even concerntrate as well? Wtf man. I did alright but i could have gotten a Disntintion for it. But i wasnt at my 100%. When would i be able to be at 100%? So what if im distacted or what not. Good and proffesioanal people could do it despite of all the problems. God damn it, when will i be mature enough? Huh, its over so? Get over it. So what? So what huh? SO WHAT? Why should i be down and out? I know the truth and so many others. I could do much better but why it still god damn hurts? I just cant bare it. All i need is time i guess but time is not that somehting that have right now. I do have time after tomorrow but not now. Not now. Im just expressing whatever im feeling right now to make me feel much better and for me to study. Dont worry much friends, =)

and im picking up the pieces all these putting my heart back together, cuz im over you

If i stayed, I only be in your way....

All of the days, out of all of the moments, why must it be now? Huh? Ive spent the whole day with you, knowing well that hey, I'm getting somewhere here. Slowly, I would begin accept the friends zone. I was being comfortable with being just friends. Slowly. But, why this shit must happen now? I knew it would happen after exams,but at least I have time to be able to accept 100%. I could run away, being with my best friends, enjoying the time of our lives. I will not think of us at all. I will not get hurt by seeing you with him, holding hands, cuddling or whatsoever. Know, those thoughts are just keep rambling in my mind every single time. Whenever im about to go to sleep, showering or even eating. For me to run away from reality is for me to study. Thats the only thing that keep my mind of things. Ive got no one else to turn to now. I cant express the feeling that im feeling to anyone. All my best friends are having exams and its pretty selfish to ask them to spent some extra time talking to me. Comforting me or whatsoever.

It sucks big time. Me falling for her. Its been wrong for me right from the start. I didnt pursue it in the first place,so why should I be feeling this way? I only wish that I was pure ABC, born here, stayed here, then I might have a shot. I knew it. That is what killing me the most. You know if only this would happen, she would be in your hands right now. But im not. You were a above me right from the start. I wished I would have never fall for you. Life would be easier than that.

There is only one thing left for me. Time for me to leave slowly. I cant see them together right now. I know, if i stayed, i would be only be your way. So i'll go, but I know i think of you every step the way. Bittersweet memories, is only what im taking with me. I had a few good memories with you. The night where we just talked till in the morning, the talked we had outside the lecturers room, the talked we had when we were in the library, the night of your bday. The talked we had about us. The night where you cried just because of me. Those were the sweetest memories. I was touched. I appreciated it. For once, i felt as though, i was being appreciated so much. No one ever cried because of me. I know that I mean a lot to you. But I cant stay. I would only be hurting you or even myself. So please dont cry like you did last time. Its only hurting the both of us. So please understand. Please.

I hope life treat you kind and i hope that you have all you dreamed of. You deserved it. You were always ambitious, nice, kind and a model person of anyone. You were the one that above all of this before. You deserved a great guy. I wish you joy and happiness and above all of this, I wished you love. You just deserved it. Its a pity that we could never work out. Its been great, but fate has other plans for me.

Another rejection

Its been a while since i blog. Not surprised to be honest. Couldnt be bothered. Aih. A lot of things had happen since then. Lets start off with relationship shall we? Hmm, well i realised i havent moved on around week 12ish. I realised by the fact that I keep seeking her attention and if i dont,ill get upset. Its selfish,I noe but thats just how it is. I tried hard not to affect me, tried to move on cuz its not fair for her. We're closed friends and most of the time, it would lead to rejection. So why would I be pondering on, hoping and dreaming to hold her close, to have her around my arms,to be there for her happiness or sadness,for me to be happy for once. I just cant find happiness now. The thing is, we could never work out. Its sad but its true. She would never see the way i see her. She would always see me as her brother. Everyone does. It is just suck. Anyways, she did find out about my feelings and things did screwed up for a bit. We talked abt it, to clear things up. Yeap, we're still friends. To be honest, it did kills me. How could you not when you could know that you could bring her happiness, you could give everything that she ever wanted but u cant. She deserves a great guy, someone who is better than me. Who are you trying to kid. She was out of my league from day one. Jason knows it. The thing is I really wanted her. No one could ever want her more than I ever wanted. Im willing to swim 7 seas if that what it takes to get her. I would have stayed back in sydney, just for her. But it could never happen. Why i must keep falling the wrong one? Argh!! I really really like her, she has everything that i want. She is a perfect gf. And its kills me by not having her. She was the best before all the girls that I liked. And now, the worse part is yet to come. The fact that she is going to be in someone else guy's arm, would kill me. Its hard for me to move on, but i have to. I wish i was somebody else sometimes.

Its been four years...

The love that once was born can not die
For it has become part of us, of our life

Dear Ama,

Four years has passed, to this very day, that you left us for good. How time passes quickly. I will not remembered it for the fact that it was my friends birthday and you left us on the same day. I remembered the night of 25th, when i was thinking to myself to wish my friend a happy birthday. I went to sleep early, without any worries. But mum woke me up and i thought it was time for school. But when I saw my watch its only 1 am in the morning and I was wondering what happen. Those words still tingling my mind till this very day. " tonight is the night, Ama is getting worse, we're going to the hospital". Knowing this, I jump straight out from my bed putting some clothes and went straight to the car, waiting restlessly. The fact that Ive lost all of my other grandparents and she is my favorite of all, I couldnt bare the thought of losing her. Once Im arrived in the hospital, we could really really see that she is getting worse. The nurses was saying that tonight would be the night. We were waiting for other families members to come. Im standing there, seeing her in a lot of pain. I cant stand it. We were just keep looking at her while she is getting weaker and weaker by the second. We knew that we are about to lose her thus saying goodbyes personally. This was the first time i saw my dad cried. The macho and the strong person that he is, he is human after all. Losing a person that who made the way you are, its tough. I was there crying helplessly as well. Im the last one who said goodbye and kiss her forehead for the last time. I kiss the same exact way she used to kiss me when I was a young child. She had sacrificed alot for me. She used to bring me to kindergarden following me just to make sure that I dont get scared and will leave once im alright. She did so many countless times. I couldnt communicate well with her. She could only speak canto and i couldnt. I hated it. But our love for each other beats that barrier. I would have wish I could communicate well with her. THere are so many things that i couldnt tell her.

Being the only son in the family as well, i was her favorite grandchildren. She would always give whatever i want. God, i miss her a lot. A hug from her every weekend, and just saying Ama, gosh, its just priceless. I know ur up there doing well grandma and I know ure proud of me as well. I know that im not doing the best i can, but i know that ull be happy anyways. I know that how proud you were of pa, and i know that i should be like him, but i dont have the extra drive like pa. I guess, his success is based on ur happiness. The sacrifice you made. Because of you, Pa is the way he is right now, and im the way i am. Finishing uni this year, hopefully. By the time i knew it, ill be working. How time flies. Gosh, i miss you a lot ama. Sorry for being the way i was back then. I should have been a better grandson. BUt now it would just be too late.