Its been four years...

The love that once was born can not die
For it has become part of us, of our life

Dear Ama,

Four years has passed, to this very day, that you left us for good. How time passes quickly. I will not remembered it for the fact that it was my friends birthday and you left us on the same day. I remembered the night of 25th, when i was thinking to myself to wish my friend a happy birthday. I went to sleep early, without any worries. But mum woke me up and i thought it was time for school. But when I saw my watch its only 1 am in the morning and I was wondering what happen. Those words still tingling my mind till this very day. " tonight is the night, Ama is getting worse, we're going to the hospital". Knowing this, I jump straight out from my bed putting some clothes and went straight to the car, waiting restlessly. The fact that Ive lost all of my other grandparents and she is my favorite of all, I couldnt bare the thought of losing her. Once Im arrived in the hospital, we could really really see that she is getting worse. The nurses was saying that tonight would be the night. We were waiting for other families members to come. Im standing there, seeing her in a lot of pain. I cant stand it. We were just keep looking at her while she is getting weaker and weaker by the second. We knew that we are about to lose her thus saying goodbyes personally. This was the first time i saw my dad cried. The macho and the strong person that he is, he is human after all. Losing a person that who made the way you are, its tough. I was there crying helplessly as well. Im the last one who said goodbye and kiss her forehead for the last time. I kiss the same exact way she used to kiss me when I was a young child. She had sacrificed alot for me. She used to bring me to kindergarden following me just to make sure that I dont get scared and will leave once im alright. She did so many countless times. I couldnt communicate well with her. She could only speak canto and i couldnt. I hated it. But our love for each other beats that barrier. I would have wish I could communicate well with her. THere are so many things that i couldnt tell her.

Being the only son in the family as well, i was her favorite grandchildren. She would always give whatever i want. God, i miss her a lot. A hug from her every weekend, and just saying Ama, gosh, its just priceless. I know ur up there doing well grandma and I know ure proud of me as well. I know that im not doing the best i can, but i know that ull be happy anyways. I know that how proud you were of pa, and i know that i should be like him, but i dont have the extra drive like pa. I guess, his success is based on ur happiness. The sacrifice you made. Because of you, Pa is the way he is right now, and im the way i am. Finishing uni this year, hopefully. By the time i knew it, ill be working. How time flies. Gosh, i miss you a lot ama. Sorry for being the way i was back then. I should have been a better grandson. BUt now it would just be too late.

An emotional morning

Everyone is an explorer. How could you possibly live your life looking at a door and not open it? --Robert D. Ballard

Life is not great at the moment. A lot of things are in my mind right now. A death of someone closed, screwed up for both exam and falling for someone even though no matter how hard you try not to. Have you ever felt like, you knew better, and your brains sees the logic but another part of you says another? I was doing well before this happens. I had like finance exam and i got 24 out of 30 for that. 80%, nice work man. But, everything just blew up like a volcano. One thing leads to another. 1st was the feelings which made me felt uneasy. Then, there was the exam which I studied HARD for it. I screwed it up just because of one reason. I just didnt read the question careful enough. Argh, careless idiot. Thankfully, its only 15% and i know i wont fail it, but just consider the amount i put in it, I at least deserve a D for it, AT LEAST. THen there was the 5% quiz which i did it simply cuz the fact that I couldnt care less. I got 2%. Failing grade. Sigh, i admitted that I underestimate this quiz plus i wasnt careful enough. After that, i heard someone close to me past away. Omg, im a at the age where death suppose to be a common thing? Am I? Im not ready to face those emotions right now. I have just got too many things for me to do. I want to do well in final year, but so many things are happening right now. I tried hard to shut it down, focus for studies, and i managed to do so. But i know im not at my 100%. Im just only 70%

I Just feel like screaming...I hate this. I knew better thus thats why im doing this and maybe the reason im feeling this way is because im letting it go. A part of me is happy but a small part of me isnt. One goal and one goal only. To get through uni and do well in it. Come on. I can do it. And yet at the same time, pondering what could happen....